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  • Writer's pictureKassandra Vaughn

How to Stop Being a You You Don't Want to Be

"The thing about meditation is: You become more and more you." - David Lynch

Have you ever noticed how much people are committed to seeing you in one particular way? Especially the people who've known you for decades. Whether it's your parents who still view you as "my little girl" or a spouse who still thinks you want all the same things you wanted out of a relationship the day you got married in your early twenties, there's this deep human longing for consistency and stability... so much so that most people want to put other people in a box and view the other person's identity as locked in stone... only it isn't.

So what do you do when, over time, you've become a person who's made poor choices, gone in the wrong directions or simply allowed yourself to engage in people pleasing, boundary bending, and, for all intensive purposes, living your life as a human doormat with no wants or needs of your own? What happens when the people closest to you have spent decades knowing you to be indecisive, unreliable, financially irresponsible, or lazy? Do you simply go along with the narrative and allow their judgments to convince you of your lack of worthiness? Or... do you, for the first time in a very long time, decide that no one else gets select an identity for you and that, at any moment, you have the right (and the responsibility) to change your mind about who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world?

Do you not have the right, at any moment, to become a totally different, far more powerful version of yourself... without ever needing to consult or ask permission from anybody else?

Of course you do!

And here's the thing I want you to understand: No one else has to agree to your shift in identity.

Other people have every right to see you as an old version of yourself... even if that old version has been long gone for decades. Other people also have the right to believe what they want about whether the 'new' you will be enduring or long lasting. It is not your business to change other people's minds about who you are now choosing to be.

But, here's what other people DON'T have the right to do- They don't have the right to, by their mere opinions, convince you that you don't have what it takes to be the greatest version of your possible. They have no power to do that... unless you give it to them.

So how do you stop being a version of you YOU don't want to be?

Here are 3 things you can do to begin the process of shifting into a better, stronger and more powerful version of you:

1. Get over needing other people to see you differently.

Some people, no matter how much you change, will never see you any differently. Accept that now and release any expectation you have about other people seeing you differently. When someone is committed to misunderstanding you, they are invested in a version of you that will always be less than. It does not serve them to see you in a better light and, because of that, they won't. Forget about convincing other people that you have changed. Change and then get a new tribe. Your old tribe may have no interest in wanting the new you in the group.

2. Focus on BEING the new version of you... starting right now.

Far too often, we think that we need all of these things... before... we can be a brand new version of ourselves. Not true! You need a new moment, a new minute, new hour and a new day. You don't need to wait until Monday and you certainly don't need to postpone an identity shift until the new year. In this very moment, you can say to yourself "I am a NEW me right now... and, from this moment forward, I'm operating as that version of me with every word I say, every thought I think, every decision I make and with every action I take."

Say that affirmation throughout the day. Scribble on a notepad. Keep it as a screensaver. Most importantly, live it from this moment forward.

3. Use every single decision you make as an opportunity to embody and solidify your new identity.

Becoming AND being the best version of you doesn't stop the moment you decide to be that. It begins with the decision and is only sustained by your DMA (Daily Massive Actions). Far too often, we allow the opinions of other people to keep us stuck in an identity that doesn't serve us. The shame and guilt we feel because of past mistakes or continuing bad habits becomes the incentive for us to continue showing up as a lesser version of ourselves. We feel crappy for being who we were which then leads us to feel like we don't deserve to be who we want to be which then creates this vicious cycle of continuing to show up as that lesser version because we use past mistakes as a way to stay stuck in a place we don't want to be. You can break the vicious cycle by saying to yourself "No! This is a new moment. This is a new day. I get to show up differently today. I get to do my life differently from this moment on. I can be who I want to be and I am now choosing to show up that way." Know that, in every decision you make today, from what time you set your alarm clock for to what you eat or don't eat, to how you move your body to the phone calls you make and emails you send, you are casting a vote for the version of you you now want to be. Make sure that you check in throughout each day and ask yourself "Is what I'm doing right now reflective of who I really want to be starting now?" Be conscious about who you're choosing to be in this moment and, if you don't like it, choose differently.

FINAL POINT: Don't let a past version of you make you think that who you were is the only you you'll ever be. Not true and not necessary. Decide today who you're going to be... and then be YOU...

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